Unexpected Bliss

This is a little assignment I had to do for my intro to ethics class. I thought it was pretty good so i thought i would put it up on here.

So there I was, packing up my belongings and leaving my wife and children behind. This was not my choice, so it cannot be right. Well, that is the initial reaction to a divorce anyway. Nothing felt right about it, and I would only find out later how happy it would make me.

I began wallowing in self pity, mad at the world, and realizing that I had failed at yet another thing in life. I had just recently been fired from one job, and left another due to my lack of sales ability. I thought that my wife of 10 years would stand by me in my time of need. Oh, how wrong I was about that. She actually added to my stress by tossing me out in the cold without even a good explanation. My parents have been married for 50 years and, to me, divorce is the admission of not only failure, but also the admission of making a bad choice in life. I could not see how any good would come of it. My children would only have a part-time dad. There would, eventually, be some strange man living with them, and I would have no say who he was, or how he treated my children. He would also be stealing my woman, and we all know how egotistical men can be about that. What good could possibly come from this?

Now, you have to understand that in hind sight I should have seen this coming, and I could write a college thesis on all of the things I did to deserve this. But at the time, of course, I was an angel. It was only after I accepted the fact that I was getting divorced that I began to realize how miserable I had been in that marriage. When we first got married, we were a happy couple, but somewhere along the way we became complacent, and that is the beginning of the end for a marriage. When you start taking the other person for granted, and assuming that you know all of their thoughts and feelings, that is when the trouble starts. I am not sure which of us got there first, but we definitely got there. Of course, as time went on, I began to get used to the idea, and realize that I really did not have a choice in the matter. If she wanted a divorce then I would give her a divorce. That is the point at which my realization began.

To clarify, at first, I was totally against divorce, but as time passed, and mostly when I met my second wife, I realized that, maybe, this is not all bad after all. I started to realize how unhappy I had been in the marriage, which is funny, as I did not see myself as unhappy at all before then. I began to realize that, while my children would have a part-time dad, it was up to me to make the most of the time that we had together. That other man did show up, much faster than I would have liked, but I was able to talk to my ex-wife about how he was treating my children. I was able to express my opinions about him in a non-confrontational way, and we could discuss them as adults and come to a resolution. And the big realization was that he did not steal my woman, I had lost her long before he came into the picture.

As time passes the wounds heal, and the relationship between ex-spouses heals as well. If both parties accept what has happened and move on, it is much easier for everyone involved. According to the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, parents' conflict can overshadow their desire for their children to have the best. Putting children in the middle of a divorce by talking badly about the other parent, giving the other parent " the silent treatment," and even something as simple as having children carry messages from one parent to another is detrimental to the child's mental health. This I agree with totally. The children did not choose the situation that they have been put in, it is up to the parents to handle the communication with an adult attitude, and not show their attitude to their children. If the parents fail in any of this, the children are forced to grow up too early, and loose their childhood.

Others will tell you that divorce is bad. The parents should stay together, be unhappy, and make the best life possible for the children. As a human being, everyone knows that is just not possible. All people, regardless of how guarded or how much control they have over their emotions, will act coldly towards people that they do not like. Although popular belief is that children are oblivious to strife or happiness in a home, children are not stupid. They may not understand the dynamics that go into relationships, but they can definitely see the outward reactions of adults towards one another. My first wife and I were not "touchy feely." My second wife and I are. We are happy with one another, and it shows in the way we talk to one another, the kisses we give one another, even something as simple as me lovingly grasping her arm as I walk by. My step children and children notice these things, and my children have commented that my ex-wife and her new husband do not act that way. Of course to 8, 9, 10, and 13 year olds, the way we act is gross and embarrassing. As they age they will come to understand that the way we act is a result of the love that we have for one another.

In hind sight, while divorce should not be the first option in a troubled marriage, it can be a good thing for all parties involved. A troubled couple should use all of the resources available to them to try to save their marriage, but when nothing else works, then, in my opinion, divorce is a viable and workable option. The parents, and children, in a divorce will have trauma, this is unavoidable. If the parents actively work to minimize that trauma, the long term effects of divorce can be minimized, if not avoided altogether.

Let me know what you think!